How come no one told me?

I think for most young people it's normal to at some point want to get married and have a family. It sounds so perfect and so fun to grow up.  Planning your perfect wedding, buying a house, getting to spend lots of time with your significant other, finally having kids and raising them to love you.  It sounds easy and nice and fun.  The problem with that idea is that it's not necessarily all true. Yes, I'm sure when you look back at your life, you're old and grey... you'll think it was all that, but as you live that moment it's not always as you thought it would be.  No one tells you what really happens when you're older.  That life as an adult is actually pretty hard.  To enjoy the freedom and fun of being single and unattached to any major responsibility. To wait to get old because there is plenty of time for the hard stuff.

I'm almost six weeks in as a Mom and I can tell you it's nothing like I was expecting.  It's hard.  It's really hard.  Ya, I knew I was going to have some sleepless nights and that my body was going to be a human cow but I figured it couldn't be all that bad.  I have a great helpful husband who will do as much as he can, and a lot of caring family members. A couple of months and it'll all be better, right? 

I was wrong.  It's not just a couple of sleepless nights.  It's every night.  Up three or four times.  And yes I'm a cow.  I'm the only cow in the house.  Husband... still a man.  Wife...the only cow.  And the maternity leave I thought would be so nice?  Not so nice.  It's called maternity leave and not vacation for a reason.  There would be no time for work.  You feed, you play you put them to sleep.  You hope they sleep.  Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.  When they do, you take a shower because otherwise you might miss out that day.  And you eat if you remember.  If you're really lucky you might get around to cleaning the bathroom or putting some laundry in.

When they don't sleep, you wait it out for a little hoping for a miracle, then it keeps going and you try to fix whatever problem they might have.  Since talking isn't an option you guess and you do your best and then you walk away again hoping again they'll calm down.  But they don't and that's when things get dicey.  You start to stress out. They scream louder and louder until they start chocking on their spit because it's such an intense cry so you go in and try to soothe them and for like five seconds they're ok, but then they start again and you wonder what the hell is their problem because you've done everything you possible could do to take care of them.  Then you start questioning what kind of parent you are and if you're good enough and eventually they really just get to you.  And for me, personally, I just have to put them down.  I walk outside and just cry it out.  You wish you would have never had this kid. You wanna give them back and never see them again. And then you feel bad for even thinking that. It sucks.  It really sucks.

Hopefully someone else is in the house to take the load off, but most of the time no one is around.  Its just you.  Your wonderful husband who you thought you'd be raising this child with has a job. Of course someone has to work.  You get it, and you hate it all at the same time.  But alas, you better man up because this kid needs you.  You walk back in the house and put him back on the cow because for the most part that's the only thing that shuts him up. Then you change his diaper and you start the cycle all over again.  This time, you hope he falls asleep. 

This was just about two hours of your day. 

They say it gets better.  And I'm sure it does.  I can't imagine why other parents have more kids after the first one otherwise.  It's just not what you think of when you're young and decide you want a family.  I wish someone would have told me what really happens. 

For the people who wait, I envy your decision.  I thought I had waited long enough.  I thought I was ready.  But maybe I am ready and this is just the way it is.  Maybe I wouldn't have been any more ready five years from now.  It's hard to really say.  But what I will say, is that if you don't have kids yet, really think twice about what your doing.  I'm not saying it wont be the best decision you'll ever make and that your kids wont make you the happiest person in the world.  But it's hard and you need to be ready.  Mentally prepare yourself for it because there is no turning back.

...as I finish writing this, it has taken me over two hours. Not because of the amount of words, but because I'm a mom and I have someone to take care of.  In the last two hours I fed, and changed diapers, I cuddled and played.  Noah "played" great today and even held his rattle all by himself. Then was the nap routine in which this time the crying began for him as described above.  And I soothed and came back to the computer and he settled, and he cried again and I rocked and he kept crying... until finally, it was over.  Sometimes the light does shine at the end of the tunnel. You catch a glimpse.

I have not cried yet today and I'm hoping for a tear free day.
I just wish someone would have prepared me for this.
I wish someone would have told me the truth about being a mom.
It's hard.  It's really hard.